Saturday, July 27, 2013

Roller coaster

We got our 20 week scan last week but it was not what we expected.  First, the report was delivered a day late.  Not a huge deal, but now that the updates are monthly, they are long-awaited and expected on the day they are performed.  We don't know if that's too much to ask, but it's a disappointment when you check your email every 5 minutes the day you've been told the scan would be done.  By mid-day you give up checking, since it is midnight in India, and you start to worry something is wrong.  And then you have to explain (apologize) to your family that there is no update and this is just part of the process.

We had also been anxiously looking forward to this scan as we expected it to be the 3D scan, and had asked several times when we could expect it.  Up to now, all the scans had been of bone and cavity measurements.  The 3D scans we saw of other IP's babies were so amazing and gave you a sense of what the baby would look like.  Both our families were eager to "see" the baby for the first time.

Unfortunately, we just got a normal scan.  And due to the size, the email was slow to load the report and scan, so we could read the email header first and noticed that Gourav was CC'd.  Gourav is from the account billing department of SCI, so it's never good to see his name on an email, routine or not.  This was not a routine email, as we had paid our stage 2 payment for weeks 16-24 already. 

So we knew there was a problem with the pregnancy. 

Again. 

That would require more money. 

Again.

When we finally got the scan and report downloaded, the report showed there was a complication.  I have waited to post an update until we knew more information.  In the past I've freaked out whenever we got an update that wasn't "normal."  While this case was not much different, I did not go into a full-blown panic.  I've learned that there is nothing I can do about the situation except manage my emotions. 

Greetings from SCI Healthcare !!

We hope you are doing fine.

We would like to inform you that we did Meera's scan yesterday as per our schedule.

Kindly find attached herewith the reports for the same.

We would like to inform you that our Obstetrician & Urologist- Dr. Vishal have reviewed the reports and noted that it shows "Maternal right kidney is hydronephrotic".

In view of the same, we arranged her meeting with our Specialist Physician- Dr. Sinha.

We are also doing further investigations to check for any issue related to this.

Please note that Meera is doing fine and not complaining of any thing.

We will keep you updated with further progress.

With Best Regards,
Lalit
SCI Healthcare

The USG scan showed that everything with the baby was fine.  However, the USG report showed that Meera's right kidney was hydronephrotic.  She would need to be seen by a specialist, thus the need for us to transfer 20,000 INR to Gourav.  I'm sure it would have cost much more in the U.S. to see a specialist, but in the U.S. at least it could have been covered by insurance.

Not being medical people, we reached out to our medical friends to find out more about this diagnosis.  As I think most IP do, we fear what the worst case could be, whether or not this is probable or remotely possible.  Luckily, Meera was not in any pain or complaining of anything.  We learned that asymptomatic hydronephrosis can be common in pregnant women, since the fetus can compress the mother's ureter.  Treatment for hydronephrosis, depending on the severity, could be conservative with analgesics and antibiotics, up to catheterization and ultimately surgery. 

A few days later, we received this email response to our queries:

We thank you for your e-mail.

We would like to inform you that Meera has already met the Specialist Physician for checkup & follow up.

We are happy to inform you that all her investigations have come back normal and we don't need to do any further treatment at this stage.

Kindly note that we will request Dr. Jolly to capture 3D images during Meera's next scan.

We will keep you posted.

With Regards,
Lalit
SCI Healthcare

While we breathed a short sigh of relief, the words "at this stage" rang in the back of our minds, like that eerie echo you hear in scary movies "at this stage....at this stage....at this stage...."

Part of the process we knew about but did not adequately prepare ourselves for was managing our expectations.  We heard IPs who went through this in the past describe it as a roller coaster and we thought "yeah, yeah, we got this."  But truly, it is a test of your emotional mettle.  From the waiting, to the disappointment and dejection, to the fear and desperation, to the hope and elation, it is a very dynamic and stressful process.  We worry over every little thing that it's almost impossible to enjoy the pregnancy and anticipation of having a baby now.  I think we have lowered our expectations so much that we just pray that nothing else goes wrong.

I hate to write that above paragraph, and have struggled with whether or not to publish it, but I think it bears repeating for any other IPs that may be considering this path.  I don't wish to sound ungrateful, because we are thrilled that we are finally pregnant and halfway to hopefully becoming parents, while there are so many childless folks and gays/singles who have missed the cut-off in India and have to seek other avenues.  But on the flip side are the people who get pregnant on the first try (or inadvertently) and have blissful, trouble-free pregnancies.  It just feels like we are due a few breaks, after all.

But this is our reality, and until we have that bundle of joy in our arms, we brace for the next turn on the roller coaster and hang on.

 
 
 
P.S. If anyone out there has had this diagnosis, we would appreciate hearing your experience.
 
P.P.S. Congrats to one of our local SCI IPs who had a healthy baby boy this week!

26 comments:

  1. Hi Ben,

    First off, we wish you all the best for a trouble-free pregnancy. Really glad to hear that everything is ok, even if it's "so far."

    Also, we really appreciate your candor. I'm sure the paragraph in question was hard to put into words, but I think you're doing everybody a service.

    Lastly, it absolutely is your turn to have great news, and I think this is just the beginning of a cascade of positive news for you both.

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    1. Thanks, N. Yes, so far so good, and that is all we can hope for day by day. You would think the Law of Averages would owe us a few good breaks, but it seems like Murphy's Law rules!

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  2. Thanks so much for your post- have been hoping for an update. You have really been through the mill with this experience (and we totally understand). It is disappointing to not be able to 'enjoy' this time and merely be hoping to just get through week by week. We also compared it to a roller coaster (think I even demonstrated with the same pic on my blog too!) but by the time we got to your stage, it was well beyond that, as a roller coaster does have the 'highs' that you can't seem to reach when everything feels so delicate and out of control...

    Our lovely sm was on bed rest for several weeks, she was not able to have scans so we were really nervous..waiting for any update was torture..

    Thinking of you both and sending lots of positive thoughts for you. I hope our story gives you reinforcement that it will all work out. Stay strong. Feel free to email me if you'd like to chat (janenoden@hotmail.com)

    Take care,
    SJ &B xx

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    1. Thanks SJ & B, we know we are not the first to experience hardship, as others before us have paved the way and blogged, so we are hoping to pay it forward just a little bit by sharing our story as well. Funny we used the same pic--just goes to show how common some of our stories are!

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  3. You guys have had a hard time of it - I honestly can't think of anyone (at least in blog land) that had to try so many times until they finally got a positive. And then the problems at the beginning of the pregnancy - I can absolutely understand that you are stressed and scared and unable to freely enjoy this pregnancy to its fullest. I wish there were words that I could give you that would take away all the stress. Unfortunately, I can't but I can tell you that we are all pulling for you and praying that your little one stays safe and sound where he/she belongs until it is safe to come out. I also think that you both are going to make amazing parents - and this is one lucky kid!

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    1. Thanks Joann and Brian, your support means more than you know!

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  4. Your words are from your heart and that's worth sharing. No matter how smooth or rough a pregnancy can be, it's a mental roller coaster until you finally have that bundle of joy in your arms. From experience with my two kids, other surrogacy attempts, and my miscarriage in India, you just never know where that next sharp turn or drop will be on the roller coaster. You do hang on for dear life as you mentioned. Sending positive vibes/thoughts your way for a less bumpy ride in the second half of your pregnancy! Big hugs!

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    1. Hi J, thanks for the positive thoughts and vibes. Hope you and your family are doing well. We're hoping you have a window back into India!

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    2. We're doing well, thanks! The window is more like a crack and THAT depends on where you are standing and from what angle! LOL! I keep one foot on the ground and one in cloud 9 :) Thanks for your ongoing support - it's greatly appreciated!

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  5. Hi Ben...wow!!! Seriously your journey has so far had me holding my breath. I truly hope that the winds change for you guys and it's smooth sailing from here on in.
    As for your experiance, I personally believe that all information is power. And the only way that IPs will feel more at ease is when we all share our experiences. Good, bad and the unexpected.
    While I was reading your post, and I saw that Gourav was cc the first thing that rang was $$$$. Not tactful.

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    1. Thanks, Andy. We have accepted account billing is just part of "the process." It is a business, after all, and treatments do cost. But there is an emotional price as well as financial, and when you are dealing with life, I would hope there could be a better way to handle the "transaction."

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    2. there is a better way. its called separate email. LOL regardless this is minor, as long as the health of your baby and surrogate are perfect, then so let the business side of things only be as minor as this. x

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  6. Hey Ben. I know exactly what you are going through. I believe I've even blogged about seeing Gourav CC'd on one of my emails too but just hang in there buddy. Before you know it, you will be flying to India for baby pickup. I think because I had so many hospitalizations and worry, that it made the pregnancy fly by. I'm praying for you and for a smooth pregnancy. Just know that there are people who know exactly how you feel. If you ever want to chat, shoot me an email. Flesteresq@gmail.com.

    Fred

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    1. Hi Fred, thanks for your comment. Yes, I remember reading your post and nodding my head in recognition of your feelings--"why is billing being included, oh no, what is wrong?!" Glad to see you are nearing the finish line though!

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  7. Hi Ben! Sorry to hear about this turn of events. But Thankfully things are under control and you will be smoothly sailing the rest of the way. You guys have gone through so much, and you definitely deserve a break. Unfortunately just like life, no pregnancy and journey is the same and some have it easier than others. Try to look at the positive: You are half way through.
    Sending you a big hug and lots of luck from New York.

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    1. Thanks guys! Yes, that is what we are focusing on, looking at this positively. But I could not sugarcoat this post with optimism when we have felt disappointed in the process lately. I understand there is probably no way to avoid the medical issues, but wish there was more transparency and better communication. We appreciate the hugs and luck--right back at ya!

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  8. Ben, I am so sorry to hear this and I totally understand how you feel, the whole 'why me? why these $%?&* keep dumping on me?Is this for real?' feelings (I know them too well!). Hang in there, you are more than 50% done, baby is full term at 37wks!

    I know it sucks when others are so blissfully and uneventfully prep for the baby arrival, and you had to spend your days worrying about your baby, surro mom and bank account. However, you will totally forget about these inconveniences when you hold your precious little one in your arms!

    Sending you a lot of positive vibes!

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    1. Thanks, B. I know you know how we feel. I promise no more whining in future posts! :)

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  9. Hi Ben
    So glad that surrogate is doing better. It is such an emotional rollercoaster but once you hold and see that baby I swear you forget every second ---even if your bank account shows differently :)

    I think sometimes when we would see Guarav name or have him emailing we knew 'well she is in hospital but at least that meant the pregnancy was there' and that was ALL that mattered to me.

    I often used to say my God we have had six miscarriages, two other failed IVF attempts and three failed surrogacy attempts with other clinics before finding Dr S---it was like could something just go smoothly.....but as I said the first time we saw her, held her and kissed her ---it was forgotten.

    I work as a nurse in our local hospital and I have seen women who have had horrible pregnancies and they swear they will never be back for number 2. And you know what the amount I meet in a year or two after who say --yeah but I forgot about all that as soon as I had the baby :)
    So, fingers crossed that the road will run smooth for you all for the remainder of pregnancy. Know you are not alone though---alot have been through this rollercoaster I think it only makes the end product that much sweeter --all the best!!!!

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    1. Hi DD, thanks for your comment and support. Whenever I hear "everything will fade when you hold him/her in your arms" I think that's such a platitude that minimizes or excuses the problems we have had or are going through; it's a coping mechanism or a pleasantry people use to get by. But then I realize, it's probably coming from a place of genuine care, and usually from people who have been down this path before.

      Intellectually I know that ultimately, holding a healthy baby is all that matters. The financial and emotional toll will pale in comparison to the joy of being parents. It's just hard to envision the future when you are thrown curve balls in the present that jeopardize that future. Luckily for now, we are resilient, if not a bit spent.

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    2. I've been following your blog for a while. I just want to thank you for having the courage and strength to post this comment. I especially appreciate you talking so frankly about how hard it is when you are under so much stress and people with the very best of intentions share that it will all fade when you're holding a baby. That may be true, but it doesn't change the fact that for someone of us, we aren't convinced that we will ever get to the point where we are holding a little one, and that even if we are that lucky it doesn't change just how hard this process has been for you and for our family.

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    3. Hi Ben I apologize if you feel I was minimizing your issues ----I was not. As I said we too had a very up and down pregnancy ---our surrogate was in hospital quite often so what I was trying to say and apparently quite badly according to Rhy and Drew comment is that many of us have had a very, very, very rough road and have made it out the otherside. Rhy and Drew ----we also were a couple who thought we would never get to this point either. I dont know if you have ever read our blog but that describes only this chapter of our infertility. It does not deal with the six miscarriages, failed ivf's, failed donor egg cycles, failed adoption plans and finally failed surrogacy attempts in Ukraine and another clinic in India. So as I said I do truly understand what it feels like to not feel you will ever get to this point of holding a little one. I never tried to diminish how difficult the process was for Ben or you or myself or all the other intended parents. I was only offering a bit of hope Thanks for your comment though. Best wishes Ben on a quiet remainder of your pregnancy. Rhy and Drew - wish you all the best in your journey as well.

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    4. Hi DD, no worries, as I choose to view your comment in the spirit I'm sure it was given, which as I said, was with care and concern. I know everyone is just trying to keep things positive.

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  10. Thank you replying in such a gracious and kind manner. That's so sweet of you! This is such an emotional journey for us all! I apologize if I read more into your comment than I should have, I look forward to reading about your experience.

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  11. Hola chicos. Entiendo perfectamente vuestro estado de nervios. SerĆ­a bueno disfrutar del embarazo, pero vivimos con miedo cada nuevo email.
    SĆ³lo espero que dentro de unos meses viajemos a India a por nuestros bebĆ©s.
    Un abrazo.

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    1. David, muchas gracias por este comentario, es obvio que sabe cĆ³mo nos sentimos. ContinĆŗa la buena suerte con su embarazo! Un abrazo.

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